Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
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[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza