Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
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OH. COME. ON.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
oh shit
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Dance like you’re not the father
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?