I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
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Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.