Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
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My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
I put the p in pants.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.