Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
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My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
i choose….tongue
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
How about I get 100% off by already being there
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first