Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
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Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
In space, no one can hear…
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
So we got a goldfish…
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush