Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
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At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?