If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
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Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
peep davidson
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”