it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
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What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Probably my best painting.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”