I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
You Might Also Like
some things should go without saying
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
bad
worse
worst
worchester
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.