My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
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Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
The pasta is now
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.