You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
You Might Also Like
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
hmm conte-me mais
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Word.
~ Microsoft.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!