If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
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If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
This guy gets it.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.