Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
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You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
5 ways to appear taller
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
The options really are this bad
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?