being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
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[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
what my late-night hot pocket sees
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.