“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
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Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans