Twitter dot com. *sigh*
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I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
That’s fair
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
My new favorite headline
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes