I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
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the clam before the storm
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Don’t forget to tip your server
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.