Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
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My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
You can’t outrun your problems…