Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
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LOOOOOOL
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.