*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
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This is a bad idea on so many levels.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.