boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
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The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.