“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
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Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”