I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
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My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
*launders Kohls cash*
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Nomnomnomnom
british sex workers really pound for pound
My therapist after every session
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.