Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
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I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do