The pasta is now
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Genius idea!!
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Breaking news:
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.