This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
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Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Love it! 👍😂
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?