“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
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ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Well, when ppl tell my “Happy birthday” I reflexively tell them “Happy birthday” back, if that makes you feel any better
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.