Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
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T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
A completely valid reaction tbh
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
wow he looks just like him
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.