I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
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My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.