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No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
That eye roll….
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.