By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
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ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
How I’d get arrested…
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?