[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
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Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
FINE, I WON’T.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab