why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
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This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
the greatest twitter interaction