Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
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Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
(by @ZachWeiner )
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.