If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
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Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me