Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
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THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”