I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
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A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness