Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
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Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.