Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
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me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Schrödinger’s cookie
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job