I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
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[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare