TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
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We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.