I think I’ll stand
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You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
who will stop them
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
the #horror is real!
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.