The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
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My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
The internet is magic sometimes.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby