Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
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Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Cause of death: Zumba
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.