After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
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There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
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What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.