Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
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Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome