At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
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Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.