Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
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producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
I am HOWLING at this
at ease…shoulder.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.