Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
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ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now